Friday, February 22, 2019

My Never-Ending War on Browns Fan's Dumbassitude: Football 101

Some of you comment-trolls are utterly deranged.  Like the guy who told Joe Thomas to go away because "we're sick of you", and the other idiot who agreed.

This had to do with Big Joe and Shaun O'Hara saying that Greg Robinson didn't suck (read: the 2019 Browns don't need a left tackle).

These idiots resented Joe Thomas (what does he know?) expressing his opinion on this matter which contradicted what these two cretins had been mindlessly repeating for several weeks.

Really now--how can we make Bernie Kosar shut up and quit buggin us?  (Oh and that Burleson guy!)

Seriously, these guys are genuine experts on these matters, and when they expose you for the ignoramus you are, just take it like a man.

When you stamp your foot and say "you just shut up!" well...I wish you could hear yourself as others hear you...(err...I mean as others with 3-digit IQ's hear you).

But I digress: Joe and Shaun really point out the obvious, as I have been since before the season ended.

Especially Joe Thomas, who mentioned how Baker Mayfield (this particular quarterback) operates, in this specific offensive scheme.

This is a diplomatic way of saying "Greg Robinson doesn't need to be like me in this offense, and with this quarterback."

...is any of this sinking in yet?  (I can dig up lots more expert witnesses, ya no.)

One Troll stubbornly proclaims the need for a "go-to" big tall X receiver, and cited several Superbowl teams.

This guy says nobody on the Browns roster is like Baldwin, Edelman, Jones, or errumm...Brown?

Anyway what an idiot.  Julio Jones was the only true number one X on his list, and the quarterbacks were Ryan, Big Ben, Wilson, and Brady.

Players like the wide receivers Mister Ipso-Factoid listed are on the current roster, and Baker Mayfield will show them to us in 2019.

Julio Jones can make a shaky quarterback look good, but he's a rare exception to this rule:  Great quarterbacks elevate their receivers.

Ball-placement.  Timing.  Touch.  Improvisation.

Stay with me here:  Tom Brady won Superbowls before Edelman or Gronk came along, and superstar Pro Bowl receivers fell off the edge of the Earth when they left the Patriots.

Like Brady, every other Superbowl-winning quarterback in recent memory spread the ball around.

This idiot ass umes that Callaway can't possibly be like Edelman in 2019.

Baldwin--really?  Perriman, Strong, Willies, Ratley, Louis, or Higgins can't be like him oh puh-leez!!!

Nice case, Mister Factoid!  The jury was out for 15 minutes. Bu-bye!

Anyway Joe Thomas and Shaun O'Hara also defended RT Chris Hubbard who, they agreed, really became pretty solid in the second half of last season.

I have to insert here that, like Robinson, Hubbard was helped by Baker Mayfield and Freddie Kitchens (unchained).

Joe is new to this "analyst" stuff, but O'Hara is THE established go-to expert on offensive lines and offensive linemen.

His advice boils down to: "Don't mess with this unit."

This is what really happened, kids:

The Browns drafted one of the best quarterbacks anybody has ever seen in 2018.  He was every bit as good as he looked in 2018 (surrounded by all these bumbs and losers), and he'll make a huge leap coming back in 2019.

In 2018, Baker Mayfield (and Freddie Kitchens of course) might have had more to do with salvaging Brashad Perriman and Greg Robinson off the scrap-heap than anything else.

The Monken/Kitchens/Mayfield offense in 2019 will naturally be prolific, as Mayfield and the other youngsters make their leaps.

(I gotta mention this: One Troll listed Running Back among his retarded version of offseason "needs", but changed his mind when another genius pointed out that Kareem Hunt is here now...?%÷$_!???l).

Obviously, John Dorsey is looking for defensive tackles (and passrushing defensive ends), real linebackers, and (maybe) cornerbacks in that order...because he HAS A BRAIN.

...See why I won't apply for writing slots anymore (aside from the publications getting this link and letting me do their thinking for them)?

I wish somebody with more ambition than me would start a Politically-incorrect Browns website.  I guarantee you, there IS a market for it!

I did do this in the past.  I covered the AFC North for one of the Internet rags you read now.  Just can't remember which.

Anyway I had to quit when I became a trucker (wireless wasn't what it is today).

It was cool to get "published", but I had to keep my tie on and make sure not to offend anybody.

My publisher really liked me because I was objective.  You'd never know I was a Browns fan...

But I digress: If somebody with some testosterone is looking for real talent, here I am.  

(Note to my Intellectual Property-Raiders:  If you PAY me enough, I can still write inoffensive vanilla crap, with some inoffensive milquetoast humor).

There's your fkng "resume"🖕

OMG Stephen Glassic Jr channeled me in listing the reasons why the Browns should take over the AFC North in 2019 (with extra sauce on the perennially-overrated Ravens being...well, overrated...again)

Wow Steve was assertive, sarcastic, and even borderline offensive!  Holy crap maybe I WILL apply for this gig!  Maybe the market is changing and there's room for a watered-down real me!

Anyway Steve was on the money, right down to...well just the stuff I just wrote about prioritizing the defense this offseason.

Ok I will apply for this gig tomorrow, and I can guarantee you:

You will read everything I write.

We'll just see if my NAME is on some of it.

This just in: Nevermind.  If I had a laptop and cloud account or could actually write my resume and...

They hired Headhunters.  Wow.  Talent is tertiary to your mother's maiden name and stuff.

I wish I had 40 years back, and maybe 22 grand.  I'd hire the ad and marketing geeks and find the writers myself.

My writers would disagree with and argue with eachother (directly) if they disagreed, and might insult eachother too.

They would be allowed to take others to task as well (except sans the insults).

MY publication would attract SMART people (including non-fans)...

But what do I know🖕?






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