I finally cornered Tom and got some sodium pentathol in him. Once he was cooperative, I led him to a dark corner for an interview. Here is the transcript:
What do you think of the Redskins jumping over you for the number two pick and RG3?
That was idiotic. Three firsts and a second? I mean, we really wanted the guy, and think he'll be great, but you've got to be kidding me! I just KNEW some clown would go insane and screw this thing up! Good ole' Tom Schneider--
So what are you going to do now?
Not sure--lots of contingencies. Colt had some screw-ups yeah, but he's young. You've got to be brain-dead to dismiss no off-season, new west coast offense, dropped passes, unrelenting pressure, no Hillis most of the time. I mean, the balls were on-target and on time most of the time--how the hell can you blame the thrower for the drop? Arm-arm-arm stop it! I mean--
So you won't do anything at quarterback?
No, we will, but I'm not sure what. We'd like Flynn, but some OTHER idiot will probably overpay him, or he goes to Miami for the weather, no state income taxes, and his old coaches. We're taking a stab at him, but we won't blow our whole damn salary cap on him. Like I said, Colt will be good. Maybe DAMN good--we just don't know yet.
Forget anybody who's 36 with two fused discs in his neck, no matter how good he is.
With RG3 off the table--dammit--our best option is trading down, and if we do, we'll try for Tannehill, and Colt starts. That is, we'll take a shot at Orton. I think we could sign him and save a bunch releasing Wallace. Orton is another popgun, but he's accurate and he WINS, his whole carreer. HE would be Colt's competition in camp. Tannhill is a Holmgren guy to develop--sky-high potential, if you're careful and patient with him.
What about Weeden?
Like I said before you shot me up with this stuff. Being 28 is the only thing wrong with him, and we'd think hard about nabbing him in the second round if we didn't have Tannehill.
What if none of that happens?
Well, it's only a bunch of ignorant fans that think a young quarterback is supposed to step onto a bad team with a new complex system and take them to the promised land out of the gate! Elway, Montana, Young, Manning, Manning, et cetera all sucked at first! What IS it with these Cleveland fans? I mean I thought Philly fans were juvenile, but jeez--
You know I'm going to publish this.
Yeah and I wish you wouldn't, but I'm full of truth serum so I can't be diplomatic and deceptive like I usually have to be. I'm really pissed off at you, by the way, you--
How far would you trade down from four?
Depends on the deal. Hell, ten spots of there's another Tom Schneider idiot out there!
Whitney Mercilus?
Oh HELL yes! At 22. Might not be there. Trade-down, more ammo--variables here, but that guy opposite Sheard would be monsterous.
Would you take Claiborne if you're stuck at four?
Not sure. There are some really good corners in this draft, and even quality free agents. The pass rush is more important than coverage, too. Coverage was pretty good last season, and while Claiborne would give us a dominant secondary, the fifth-ranked draftee or fourth-ranked young free agent could approximate that as well. And Skrine is a special guy against anybody but the skyscrapers--why are you writing him off? I mean--
Richardson?
We're trying to re-sign Hillis but he might be plan B.
I thought you preferred to find your running backs--
Look, shut up. There was nobody as GOOD as Richardson in the previous drafts I've been involved with. Yeah, usually you can find some running back gems later in the draft, but not guys who can just take over games. Not total-package guys who are recieving threats and home-run hitters all at once. Isn't that obvious? Richardsons are RARE, you idiot! Why can't you guys--
Blackmon?
Hell no. I mean he'll be really good, no question, but we have a good shot of landing a young veteran burner in free agency. Might have to learn the west coast, but can hit the ground running. There are also some pretty good ones lower in this draft. One of them sounds a lot like MITCHELL. Remember MITCHELL, moron? We're kind of expecting him to show up in his third season, ya know?
What about right tackle?
That's partly why I'd like to trade down. Left tackle--you gotta pay, or at least wait for one to develop out of raw materieal. Right tackles will be there into the third round, and there are three free agents who could help. We could have one on the roster--played left guard last season, but I'm not sure. Left tackle in college, maybe...Pashos was okay when he was healthy, but I lied a lot about him in the presser. He might be just done. But if we signed Geathers, for instance...cross your fingers and hope one of the two are healthy each week--
So you'd trade down first?
Of course. It now looks like Claiborne, Richardson, Blackmon, and Kalil--just pick three of those--will be there, and however much I lie, most of the other GM's will know that I'll take Richardson or Claiborne if I don't get a deal.
Not Kalil?
Read my lips: "Joe Thomas". Kalil would be wasted at right tackle, and you can't pay a right tackle like that. Good way to max out your cap. Good thing you clowns aren't running--
Would you consider a right tackle in the first round at all?
It would be awesome if Johnny Martin slid. He's just about as good as Kalil. Him at 22? Oh yeah, unless Mercelius is there. Trade-down, maybe more than once, is best. Even at ten or twelve, we could be looking at Mercelius, Martin, Tannehill...if we did it right we might get two of those guys, and still have lots of picks left. Move down twice, move up once--we've been going over all the variables. We'll be ready.
So again, you think Tom Scheider is an idiot for giving up three firsts and a second to move up four slots?
That's not what I meant. I mean, for him, he has a pretty talented team, so--
Ah. I see the sodium pentathol is wearing off. Better go back to work, Tom.
Say, wait a minute---
(I'm running away with my recorder).
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