Brian Tarcy is a unique and hysterical writer. In his "The Dreamer" persona, he writes for the Orange and Brown Report, and cracks me up.
As a professional unsuccessful writer, I have, over time, imitated a number or writers that I liked. I'm pretty good at it. I can THINK like them.
But over time, all the imitation sort of got stuck in there and mixed around, and I developed multiple personalities of my own.
So now, I have several writing personalities, and don't imitate anybody else any more. Except in this case, I simply have to imitate Tarcy. Okay well that is, one of my personalites needs to imitate him, so I'm going to imitate myself imitating the Dreamer.
Imitation being the most sincere form of flattery, I'm sure that he would be flattered, were he ever to read this. I know I am.
If I were to write a football book, I would of course need for it to be about a bad team. Kind of like Rocky. A bad team getting better.
Lots of underdogs. Like a college possession reciever that was a longshot, but somebody turned him into a tight end and he survived long enough to get pretty good. Maybe my team still calls him a tight end, but he's more a huge, massive wide reciever.
Then um...a "too small" running back. Like Barry Sanders or Emmitt Smith or Tiki Barber or Priest Holmes...all those little guys that had no chance. Those are classic underdogs.
Oh yes--and a too BIG running back. SO big that the team that reluctantly drafted him made him a backup fullback, and then traded him for a bad quarterback to my underdog team, which made him a running back again.
Then there's another "too small" guy, only a quarterback. Got to give it some pizzazz, though, so we'll make him the winningest quarterback in NCAA history.
I'll make him REAL small. Almost as small as Jeff Garcia and Joe Montana. Almost as short as Drew Brees and Brian Sipe. I'll make him a whole 5/8" inches under 6'2"!
Let's say they say he has no arm. That's rediculous, since in every picture there it is. In fact, he has two of them. But that's what they always say about any quarterback who threw a lot of short passes.
The plan is to let him learn on the bench for at least one season, while two old veteran journeymen take care of the team and help teach him. Maybe I'll spice it up and make one of these guys even shorter than him. And the other one a half inch or so taller.
I'll have him look horrible in preseason until the fourth game, where he throws a shutout with and against bartenders and bus drivers (so he's got that going for him).
"Not ready", they'll say. "Good thing we got those two guys in front of him!"
Okay so now we've got to do the "Rocky" thing. What else?
I'll get both of those older quartebacks hurt. And the monster running back. And a bunch of other guys...let's knock out half a dozen or so starters, okay?
Okay so now the little running back and the rookie quarterback will start the next week.
Good set-up, but incomplete. Now for the bad guys: First, this devious, insideously diabolical defensive coordinator who befuddles seasoned vet quarterbacks all the time, and sacks them a lot. Let's toss in a super-safety, since safeties are quarterbacks' arch enemies, and we've got to have our Apollo Creed, see?
Then...we've got to give the little running back a hard time: The bad guys will have the best run defense in the NFL.
Let's see, what else? Oh yeah--and the bad guys' Pro Bowl quarterback is coming back off suspension! Perfect!
Naturally, in my movie, the underdogs heroicly upset the bullies, and become famous and never look back. And in my sequals, they beat them up again and again, worse each time. (Nobody will watch them, but I'll already have made my money, so I won't care).
It's a great story.
Too bad in the real world it rarely ever happens. But that's why I'm imitating myself imitating the Dreamer.
Next I will see if I can dial up some of my established multiple personalites. I will see if I can talk about the upcoming game vs. the Pittsburgh Stoolers. I'm glad I've still got my Big Ben and Polumalu voodoo dolls. They've worked pretty well so far.
Thank you, Brian Tarcy, for the inspiration. I tried to stay in-character, but slipped out. There's only one you.
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